Not Ready to Make Nice

Writing has always been therapeutic for me, especially with deep or painful issues, but for some reason tonight, as I struggled with an on-going issue, a song actually captured my anger, frustration, sadness, and... well, anger really. It's a song by the Dixie Chicks and it's called "Not Ready to Make Nice." Here are the lyrics:

"Not Ready To Make Nice"

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

What it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

Courtesy of AZ Lyrics (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/dixiechicks/notreadytomakenice.html)

And here's the video when they performed at the Grammys:



There are many phrases that stick out to me... "I've paid a price" and "Mad as hell". Now those don't sound like lyrics that a nice Christian girl should be listening to. Well, frankly, I feel that anger isjust as healthy an emotion as any other and please, take a walk in my shoes before passing judgment on me.

But another thing that this has stirred up is that for a long time, I, as a woman of color, as a young person, as an Asian American, have often been told things that encourage me to discredit or diminish the pissed-off-ness that comes from racism, from prejudice, from ignorance.

No one can truly know what it's like and so especially phrases like "oh they didn't mean anything by it", "you just need to stop being so sensitive", "you just need to get over it", really don't help, and just piss me off even more.

And so now, I need time to understand why it's so hard for people to talk about this issue and why people are so damn ignorant and racist. I know I'm supposed to enter into the conversation and continue to go back to try to do the more noble and just thing. But sometimes it sucks being the only one who goes back. It sucks when no one else is doing it and I have to be the one or else it doesn't get talked about, doesn't get noticed, gets ignored.

Well as long as you continue to ignore it, I will continue to be the thorn in your side. I know wholeness and reconciliation and all of that stuff is nice. It will help me heal. But, I don't know if I can get to the point to where I need to make nice before you will hear me. I've done that for too long. I've put up with stupid people for too long. I'm done. Sorry if you think you deserve a chance - someone else took your chance with them and they chose not to do anything with it.

(Yes, thank you for enduring my seemingly endless, obscure, and vague rant. I am just needing this as a forum right now...)

So for now, I'm not ready.